As I write this today, it has been a while since I have posted much - a lot has been going on. My doctoral work, for one thing, takes up a lot of time, and I have also been dealing with personal matters. My mother, Daisy Thrower, passed away on March 28 of this year. After suffering a fall due in part to a stroke she had in December, Mom's health had been in decline for several months. This entailed several visits to the hospital as well as an extended rehab stay in a nursing facility in nearby Boonsboro. With the passing of a parent, for those of us who have experienced it you know it is inevitable, but it still creates a shock when it happens, and this did. After she passed on March 28th, I made the arrangements and had her buried with the VA's help on April 7th in a beautiful cemetery, Rocky Gap Veteran's Cemetery, just east of Cumberland. One of the reasons for writing this today is that after a couple of months it is all finally sinking in, and I am feeling it immensely today. There are a couple of insights about this I want to share as they are important to the story itself.
For those of us who were in high school during the mid-1980s, it was still a time when network TV was still the primary mode of entertainment - this was before Netflix, Hulu, and YouTube, and many people were still having to watch TV with either conventional cable or with an aerial antenna. For those of us with the latter, that meant that channels to watch were extremely limited, and usually there were 3-5 local channels to choose from. During this time, it was also the era of the epic mini-series, which was a multi-part movie based on a novel. Many of those were really good, but three that ABC aired then are of particular significance because they were my favorites. The first was the John Jakes novel North and South, which ended up being a three-part miniseries that aired between 1985 and 1994. The second were sequel series, based on Herman Wouk's two books Winds of War and War and Remembrance. These mini-series were top-notch productions, with all-star casts (Robert Mitchum had the starring role in the second, and Patrick Swayze in the first) and authentic sets - War and Remembrance in particular ended up being the most expensive film ever produced, at what amounted to $253 million in today's economy. However, the effort was excellent, and the movies are masterpieces of modern cinema - nothing has come close to them since honestly. Over the years, I have re-watched these several times, as I own them on DVD, and I always come away with how powerful those films really were. War and Remembrance in particular always leaves a powerful impression on me, and over the past week I just re-watched it again and doing so coincided with a lot of personal things I am grappling with, and I will be talking about that momentarily. First though, given that this is from a theological and philosophical perspective, I wanted to just do a short reflection based on what I am about to talk about.
In the Psalms, King David faced times when he felt overwhelmed - the feeling of loneliness, of uncertainty, and of just loss is a part of the human condition - in Psalm 38 for instance, he writes "my friends and companions stand aloof from my plague, and my nearest kin stands far off." Then there is the entire story of Job - he was in a bind himself, but never lost hope. You wonder how that can be, but having been there and even experiencing this now, the answer is simple - I have no one else to turn to but God. It is during those times, when one feels a heaviness and even is kept awake at night, that all one desires is a shoulder to cry on, or just to be embraced by someone who is just there - we often don't have that, and so we have to rely on God. If one has a pet, they also can sense that something isn't right, and surprisingly they can be a great comfort - my little tortoiseshell cat, for instance, soothes me when I feel a bit under that strange magenta haze; hearing her purr while gently petting her is comforting; it isn't the same as a close friend's or spouse's shoulder to lean on, but it helps. Now that I have described the feeling - which I am sure some can relate to - I want to now address what I call "triggers" that evoke it.
When you go through a lot of things hitting you at once, oftentimes you are just too busy to notice that it has an effect. However, at some point, the realization begins to sink in, and that is when it can be really heavy on one's spirit. For me recently, it took a trigger to evoke the uncertainty and other feelings I have had for months, and that is where War and Remembrance comes in. In re-watching that last week, there is one aspect of a movie that many overlook, as at times it is often forgettable - the soundtrack music. Soundtracks can be good, most are not-so-good, but on occasion a soundtrack to a film is so poignant that if it hits you at the right moment, it will evoke something. The soundtrack to both Winds of War and War and Remembrance consists of music composed by Emmy Award-winning composer Robert Cobert (1924-2020). Cobert was a gifted composer, and what he did with the soundtrack for these movies is nothing short of phenomenal, as they are the best film scores ever. The music itself is evocative emotionally, as it fits perfectly with the scenes in the films, and the beauty of the score is something you just don't see anymore in film soundtracks (James Horner was also another one of those excellent soundtrack composers too). The reason that this is important is that for some reason I felt compelled to re-watch both Winds of War and War and Remembrance at a time I was processing grief and uncertainty, much of which I have not shared with any living soul aside from God himself. In talking about this, there is a certain lesson entailed I want to talk about now.
Going back to Aquinas, there are three transcendental properties of being which are not only associated with having their source in God, but indeed God is seen as the fulness of all three - those are Truth, Beauty, and Goodness. The creative aspects of the arts really should bring alive those attributes, and music is no different. The eminent conservative philosopher Sir Roger Scruton talks about this at length in his book The Aesthetics of Music when he talks about the German term Einfulung, which is a type of empathy entailed with interaction by a person with a piece of art. As he notes, this entails two aspects, the first being a more "subjective" state of mind, and the second being the effect on the mental state of the observer, revealing a form of knowledge contained in each - the observer enters into, in some respects, to the subject of the piece's point of view (Sir Roger Scruton, The Aesthetics of Music {New York: Oxford University Press, 1997}: 360-364). As he further notes, the expressive and ineffable go together, and the observer enters into the recognition of expression that is a continuation of imaginative activity which aids in giving a unique understanding to how the music is interpreted. What is odd about this, however at least in my experience, is that a piece of music may evoke a different imaginative vision than the composer's, and thus take on a whole new dimension to the listener that maybe the composer never intended, which is fascinating. In other words, music is a powerful stimulus for evoking things, and the chords of a symphonic work or a film score can impact us in a way that the composer may not have anticipated, and that leads to something profound in the listener. When the life circumstance of a listener is figured into the equation, the profundity of impact is more pronounced. That leads to something else about one of the transcendental properties, Beauty.
At times, the concept of Beauty that society conveys often wrongly equates it with happiness, but in reality, beauty can be sad too, and sad beauty is an experience that will really reach into the depths of the most sphynx-like of human souls. God, as the source and embodiment of Beauty, often uses this to draw us closer to him, and at times he uses the most unlikely of things. God does not just speak through things published in hymnals as far as music is concerned, as truly great music ultimately has him as its source, and the the fact he endowed human beings with creative ability means that even the most personally debased individual is capable of producing something of profound beauty. This is why, when I was growing up, I often had a huge issue with the ultra-conservative Pentecostal mindset I had to deal with regarding my family and some churches in my younger years. They seemed to labor under the delusion that the only "acceptable" music to listen to had to either come out of hymnals or was the chart-topping Southern Gospel hit of the day just because a "Jesus" or two was thrown in. What such short-sighted individuals failed to understand, however, is that God is the source of beauty even in the natural world, and thus a humanity created in His image could produce things of beauty even when not in direct relationship with him. Growing up in adverse conditions as I did as a matter of fact, I attribute God to giving me a love for vintage big band records at an early age, when most of my peers were listening to stuff like KISS or Michael Jackson. The richness of that music helped shape me, and it kept me at a level to where I was not really subject to more destructive aspects of peer pressure. And, big bands are not Gospel music and hymns by any stretch, but God used that interest to bring me to where I am now. In other words, not all secular or non-religious music is bad. If we said it was, we would actually be slapping God in the face by saying somehow his creation is not up to our standards, which is stupid. Therefore, it is very possible to have a genuine emotional response to a piece of music such as Katchaturian's Valse Masquerade, Sibelius's Finlandia, Stravinsky's Le Sacre du Printemps, Shostakovich's Seventh Symphony, Copland's Appalachian Spring, or the phenomenal recordings of artists such as Mario Lanza. Into that group I would also include Cobert's film scores to Winds of War and War and Remembrance. This is where I want to tell the story of my experience now.
Over the past few years I have been challenged with a lot of things - a divorce, the death of both of my parents, and some financial challenges brought on due to COVID and other factors. I have been somewhat uncertain about so many things lately that it has been very hard to process things, but as I said earlier, at some point reality does start to sink in, and when it does it can be overwhelming. That happened to me last night. As I mentioned, I had just finished re-watching both Winds of War and War and Remembrance over the past week, and in doing so, again those movies made a powerful impact. Late last night, as I was pondering some things, the haunting melody sequence of those films came into my mind, and it merged with the concerns and apprehensions I have had in recent weeks. As if all at once, all of a sudden the reality of Mom's recent passing hit me like a ton of bricks, as well as a few other things that have been on my mind, and as that melody from the films was going through my mind also, something happened - a heaviness and a sadness descended upon me, and it actually caused me to have emotion during my morning prayers. The tender melancholy of the tune from the film score really hit me deep in my soul, and it brought to the surface how I was feeling. At that moment, I actually desired a shoulder to just cry on, as the reality of everything just knocked the proverbial wind out of my sails. Not knowing what else to do, I picked up my tortoiseshell cat Lily and just held her - she began purring and rubbing on me, and that was soothing. Never underestimate the therapeutic benefits of having a pet; they do become precious companions in times like that. At that point, I just decided to open up to God, and for the first time in a while I was able to just talk - no one else was in the room, and all that was there was me, my two cats, and the Lord. I believe he ordered all this for a reason, in that often he moves upon people in unexpected ways. It was no accident then that I chose to re-watch one of my all-time favorite epic movies, but who would have thought God would use the soundtrack music of that film to touch my heart and bring me to a place where I could open to him about really what was burdening me? I still feel a little of that heaviness, but to be honest, the soft beauty of that movie score has a certain comfort to it too. I still have uncertainty about what is going to happen, and I also am starting to really miss my parents' presence now, as the realization is setting in that they are gone, and it is an overwhelming feeling. But, it feels good knowing that God hears me, as do others who I know are praying for me too, and I cannot stress how thankful I am for dedicated prayer warriors who intercede for me - they do not know everything about what I am experiencing (to be honest, I cannot articulate a lot either) but their prayers do help me. That being said, I wanted to just share a couple of other thoughts.
Being both a typical guy and also a native West Virginian, at times I come across like a sphynx emotionally - I share that in common with the character Admiral Victor "Pug" Henry from Wouk's novels. I am not an emotionally expressive person, but I also do have human limitations as we all do. In order for something to grow at times, it has to be watered by torrential rains in a storm. The storms of life water the seeds of blessing, and without the tears of sadness at times, the blessing does not get watered. The seed can fall on the most fertile of soil, but if it is not properly irrigated, it will not grow. Often, when we are on the verge of a new beginning, something will happen to maybe break us so that we can shed the junk we have been holding onto through tears of sorrow, and it is at that point the gentle hand of the Lord comes and caresses us - He is our shoulder to cry on when we think we have no one else. And, He uses things that we would never expect to make the breakthrough - in my case, it was a poignantly beautiful film score. I needed to write this today for several reasons. One, I am a human being just like all of you reading this - I face sorrows, uncertainties, and adversities, and there are limits I reach at times and need to just release things to God's hands. Secondly, in writing it, I am hoping to encourage others who may read this because I know I am not the only one facing things in life - we all need that loving hand to reach out to us, and consider this mine reaching out to you. Third, never dismiss or discard unlikely sources of inspiration, as the natural world is God's creation too and he can use anything to reach out to us and let us know he is there. Finally, do not think you have to be a stone fortress of no emotion or a happy-go-lucky "Pollyanna:" you are a human being, and sadness is a part of the human experience too, and there is nothing wrong with just letting it go and even shedding some tears once in a while - we men need to understand that better. One of the most beautiful liturgies of the Church, the Armenian Divine Liturgy of Komitas Vartabed, even reflects melancholy - Komitas was an Armenian priest who was so psychologically damaged by the atrocities of the Turks during the Armenian Genocide that he ended up in an asylum in France where he spent his final days, yet this liturgy is one of the most profound in that it expresses "beauty in sadness" yet also exalts Christ. We as Christians need to understand profundity again, as well as a concept that the Russians understand as Umilenie, that being an emotional response that defies words and often is expressed by the near-shedding of tears. Tears are produced in adversity, pain, and grief, but they provide nourishment to the seeds of new beginnings most of the time. Likewise too, Jesus shed His Blood and tears to bring the greatest blessing of all - the salvation of our souls and eternal life. We receive it at conversion, and it is a grace (and an act of love) He gives us in the Sacraments too. May that be our "Easter Revelation" this year as we continue to celebrate this season of the Resurrection.
